Cleaning my room.. I found a hunk of notebook paper.. from nearly one year ago exactly... Interesting how things change.. (or never really change at all) I thought I'd post it.. just because.. well, it's bizarre when I read it back now.. maybe to none of you - but to me

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Monday 7/7/03
Julia is letting me steal this paper - since I didn't bring any on vacation with me. (I think I'm going to try my hand at having a written journal/scrapbook - Julia inspired me.) I suppose I should set the scene - We are once again on vacation in Chincoteague - Aunt Amy, Uncle Jim, Julia, Sarah, Elicia, and I) So, the whole crew is here for our third and last trip all together.. (I say last since this is pretty much my last month living in Ohio for possibly forever) This whole moving to Seattle with Josh thing is so life altering - and mighty scary. CAN HE NOT BE WORRIED? I guess, as of late, I never trust in a healthy future. I'm pretty frustrated with several aspects of my life and little issues.. *For starters - *This whole Lexapro deal - went to the doc, am sad, god meds to help brain make more *happy* chems - Bottom line - I can't tell the difference -due to the fact- I have a lot of very low days. *I also have that whole "can't go to college since no one will co-sign my loan deal" going on *My knee has a hard as bone/painful bump on it that will not go away. *I have NO insurance and no money. *I am also worrying if I...
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and then well, the rest of the pages are lost... I feel I haven't accomplished a thing since nearly a year ago.. *I still can't go to school... *I'm still often overcome by the melancholy.. *I still have no insurance.. *Seattle didn't work.. .. so here I am back in Ohio..

I feel kind of ashamed.. a bit regretful, a bit sad.. I don't know.. I want so much more - (well, to be so much more)
I'd like to be something, anything...
Everyone in school.. friends and teachers would always tell me how they knew I was going to be someone.. or do something.. something so great.. I've become a big nothing. What do you think of that?
Well, I don't think much
I don't think much at all anymore

I'm not all upset and crying or anything.. just a little thoughtful and solemn..
I've honestly been so much better this past week or so than I have.. in.. well, god only knows when...
..thanks to mike.. ..mike ..and a few friends surprisingly..

how long may I keep this? how long until it slips away?
Maybe not thinking so much anymore is a better idea than I'd origionally thought.